She would have the cute but silent husband, the curmudgeonly much older not very kindly Senator who plucks her out of obscurity and puts her on center stage to the horror of the world.
There would be the insane drug addict radio guy who loves her but knows she'll never leave her cute but silent husband, so the drug addict consoles himself by consuming mass quantities of cheeseburgers and fries while snorting piles of cocaine.
The rest of the cast would include her unmarried daughter who gets pregnant then becomes a spokesperson for no-sex-before-marriage, and a group of delusional UFO-sighting losers who wear hats with tea-bags hanging around the brim, and stained T-shirts that say "We Love Sarah." You-betcha.
I've even got the theme song, sung to the tune of "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria." But it would be called "How Do You Stop A Problem Like Sa-rah."
How do you solve a problem like Sa-rah?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Sa-rah?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Sa-rah?
How do you hold a moonbat in your hand?
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a dummy! She's a demon! She's a fraud!