Tuesday, October 13, 2009

American League Pennant Playoff: The Bronx Bombers vs. The Mickey Mouse Club

The two American League teams who will battle it out for four of seven games for the American League Pennant this year are the New York Yankees (better known as the Bronx Bombers) and the Anaheim Angels (better known as the Mickey Mouse Club).

Okay, I made up that last part.

Who would name a baseball team the "Angels?" Is it because of the Crystal Cathedral influence in that region, the only church in the country in which the "services" for the masses consist of a drive-through ATM where people give money instead of receiving cash? And instead of a receipt, they get a written Blessing. So they can go spend the rest of their lives annoying everyone by saying "I am so blessed." Orange County sucks.

The Angels have a nice stadium. In the City of Anaheim, County of Orange, State of California. They've got this phony rock formation in one corner, and sometimes they have fireworks out there, which is pretty cool.

I went to a game at that stadium once. Angels vs. Yankees, American League playoff. I got there early and stalked the Yankee players, saw Reggie Jackson on the field, Bernie Williams. Joe Torre. I was in heaven. I wore my Yankee T-Shirt, my Yankee hat, and walked proudly through the stadium. Every person there, or probably 99% anyway, were Angels fans. Everyone except me and a really drunk loud guy sitting next to me whose name I no longer remember.

Yankees lost, and I was crushed. Before they lost, early in the game, all the Angels fans pulled out these cheap plastic orange-colored dildo-looking devices and smashed them against other things to make this really obnoxious sound. They've got something called a "Rally Monkey" that they show up on the screen to get the fans to bang their dildos. I mean honestly, a Rally Monkey? What do you expect from a team called the Angels.

But anyway, they were the Anaheim Angels. And guess what everyone thinks of when they heard the name Anaheim? Disneyland. Mickey Mouse. M-I-C K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.

I guess the Angels got tired of being called Mouseketeers, or the Mickey Mouse Club, and wanted to change their name. So they come up with the bright idea that from now on, they're going to call themselves the Los Angeles Angels.

Now mind you, the Angels are not located in the City of Los Angeles. They are not located in the County of Los Angeles. So it's like they just arbitrarily decided to pick some other city and pretend that's where they were from.

But the thing is, if you got to pick an entire new city, make up a fantasy identity, who would pick Los Angeles? Other than the Dodgers, Los Angeles is a Pit. Why didn't they call themselves the Paris Angels, or the Dublin Angels? But Los Angeles? Los Angeles already has a major league baseball team. They're named the Dodgers. And, unlike the Anaheim Angels, the Los Angeles Dodgers will be going to the World Series this year.

I like Mike Scoscia. I wish him the best. A long winter break. Relax. Take a vacation. Because the Mickey Mouse Club is going to get their collective asses kicked by the Bronx Bombers. Or so I predict.

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