November 5, 2008, 4:45 a.m.
TOP SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL
From: Office of the VP
To: All Staff
Re: New Policies
Beginning at 6:00 a.m. today, we have the following changes in the hours and terms of your employment:
1. All coffee breaks, rest breaks, "personal time" breaks, are cancelled.
2. All meal breaks are cancelled.
3. All "go home at night to sleep" breaks are cancelled. Cots will be made available in the hallway.
4. All "shower and clean up, change clothes" breaks are cancelled. You stink. Get over yourselves.
5. Every person on this staff is now assigned 24 hours/day, 7 days/week, through January 20, 2009, to one job only: SHREDDING DOCUMENTS.
There are thousands of boxes of incriminating -- I mean classified, top secret and confidential -- documents in this office that MUST BE IMMEDIATELY SHREDDED.
If you falter in your commitment, remember Rosemary (Woods). But keep shredding while you remember her.