Fiona Bernard: A Guide to Friends: Accept, Ignore, Reject Or Block.

When I get a friend request, I look at their page, and if I don't see anything too crazy I click Okay, but then I look again, and if I see anything that makes me suspicious, I quickly Unfriend them. What makes me suspicious? Pictures of guns, among other things. No thanks, not a gun fan.

People who call themselves Constitutionalists, or Birthers, or Teabaggers. No, no interest at all. Pro-war, pro-violence crazy stuff. No, not for me.

Bald-headed thick-necked tattooed steroid-infused men with rusty safety pins through their nipples, prominently photographed for their adoring fans -- not appealing. And what's up with the females that send around friend requests with a nude profile photo of their ass? Not my type. But I always think the rusty safety-pin guy and the nude-ass profile gal might want to hook up. Similar types of brain damage, they might comfort each other. Or form a support group.

Other friends I don't need: the Klan, the Nazis. Aryan Brotherhood. The Hooters Fan Club. Not really my thing. Dallas Cowboys need to look somewhere else for friends. I'm sure Area 51 is a nice place to visit, but I don't want to be friends with somebody whose profile picture is the little ET dude. Move on, I'm not the one you need. George W. Bush, Dick Cheney: don't even bother, I am not now, never will be your friends, I don't care how many friend requests you send me, it's not going to happen. Condi Rice: sorry sister, you hang out with the wrong crowd, I'll just ignore your friend request.
Too many of those little farm posts make me wonder if we really have anything in common, me and the person who wants to be friends (Mary wants your help in picking a nice basket of tomatos at her farmville -- I think maybe Funny Farm ville is where Mary belongs). Then there are the people who claim to be part of the mob and want me to help them wipe out the other gang. All in good online fun, of course. I've never really liked the whole "let's pretend to slaughter people" type of games. Jacks I could go for. Ping Pong is okay, too.

One final note: there is no way to know whether these so-called "friends" are lying or telling the truth about who they really are. All these friends could be lying with every comment they make. For example, I suspect that one of my online "friends" is really George Clooney using an assumed name, but he's too shy to just come out and approach me directly. And he doesn't want the model-girlfriend to find out, either. I respect his wish for privacy, and I shall continue to use discretion in our communications.